finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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