At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
