My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
