Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
