shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
drinking out of a sandbucket again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
