Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
