In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
