Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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