Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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