M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
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