I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
