He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
