If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
