i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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