He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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