He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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