if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
