wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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