I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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