Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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