I puked a lego.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
