the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
