Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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