theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
