I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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