im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
