Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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