I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
