So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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