I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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