you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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