C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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