if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
