Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
