I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
