I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
