look no pants
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
