Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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