I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
