Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
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He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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