I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
