broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
