Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
