there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
