We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i drank out of a bidet.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
