i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
