I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
