the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
