when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
