so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
