i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
