if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
