When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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