So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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