does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
