Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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